Saturday, February 12, 2011

Twenty Six

(Isaac at the Aviary in Pittsburgh - this makes me smile)

Today would have been Isaac's 26th birthday.

I feel like it should be some profound day, or that I should feel some dramatic feeling about it....but I don't.  Perhaps it's because I'm not a big birthday person.  Perhaps it's because at some point, Isaac and I both accepted the fact that his 25th birthday would be his last here on earth.  Isaac's dad, Bruce, said recently that the big birthday for Isaac now is February 24th, his "Heaven birthday".  I like that.

This has been a really draining month for me emotionally.  For the first time since Isaac died, I haven't been sleeping well.  Between work stress, the winter blahs, and my constant thoughts of "a year ago today we were __________", my mind just seems to be running all the time.

Last year at this time, I wrote this: "This is just such a weird place that I am in right now.  Our nurse called it "coasting", which really does describe how I feel.  I feel like I am on autopilot.  I get around 4-6 hours of sleep a night, never all in a row though.  Yet, I am not exhausted.  I hardly cry anymore, I just hold it together somehow.  

Many people have told me how strong I am, and this whole experience is certainly showing me that I am stronger than I thought!  But, I think you would be doing the same thing if you were in my situation.  You don't really have a choice.  You have to be strong, because if you just fall all apart, who will be there to help your loved one?"

This year, I somewhat have that "autopilot" feeling, but yet this year, I also feel totally okay with breaking down.  I know when I am upset, that I can cry, fall apart, and spend a few hours curled up under a blanket without having to worry that I'll miss giving a dose of medicine or something.  I like that.  I like knowing that it's okay...and I'll be okay.

Anyone else ready for Spring?



  1. I had an "Isaac Moment" earlier this week that really caught me off guard. I want you to know that much of what you have said here in your posts have been a great help to me. Particularly, when you wrote about how Isaac said that he wanted to be like the sign that pointed to the Grand Canyon (I think that's what it was). No one really notices the sign, but rather they stand in awe of what it points to. Those words have kept me smiling as I remember my friend, and have eased the tension that once filled my heart. I pray for you and the rest of the Smith clan over in York this time of year. May God bless you and bring you peace.

  2. I will say a prayer for you! Thank you for sharing your heart via blog! Your faithfulness in the valley truly is an encouragement to people!

  3. That's a great picture of Isaac. :) Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I'm praying for your heart to be comforted by the memories of Isaac's love.