Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Running Against the Wind - Part 2

Missed Part 1?  Read it here!

In reading You're Already Amazing, Holley Gerth pointed out exactly where I felt like I was in my spiritual journey - encamped.  Holley talks about how, like the Israelites, we're all journeying towards some kind of "Promised Land" - that could be the marriage you've wanted, the baby you've prayed for, the job you've been hunting for, etc.  Along our journeys, we will encounter various stages like they did.  We might be enslaved, encamped, on the journey, or in our Promised Land.

When I read her description of encampment, it was like reading my own feelings and my own spirit in those words.  It's exactly how I was feeling.  Encampment - a place where we wait, rest, heal, seek peace, and wait some more.  

You can probably guess what my personal "promised land" currently is - a 2nd marriage.  A 2nd chance at love, a family, all of that.  I've been praying for that for that for almost 2 years now.  But God has had me encamped in this place of waiting all that time.  

In that time, I've gone through many, many stages of wanting to date, not wanting to date, feeling lonely, being content...the list goes on and on.  I've tried the online dating thing, I've given up on the online dating thing, I've gone back to the online dating thing.  Needless to say - it's been a frustrating 2 years as I keep trying to move away from this encampment, and God keeps pulling me back.

So, a few weeks ago, I went on a date.  It was a good date, he was funny, nice, loved the Lord, and was taller than me (all major requirements!).  There was just 1 thing that was wrong:  he's the pastor of a small, denominational, older church in our area, and I attend a large, non-denominational, young church.  And he was sold on his church, and I am sold on mine.  Now, of course this is not a major issue on a first date - I know!  But, I knew that if things continued down a positive path, at some point - this church thing was going to be a big issue.  I just pushed that aside though, and hoped for a 2nd date.  But, alas, it didn't happen.

I am almost hesitant to admit this, but I was CRUSHED.  It wasn't him specifically that I was upset about, it was just the fact that I so desperately want to be married again and this was just a disappointment.  It made me miss Isaac, and it made me miss how easy our relationship was.  Yes, even with the presence of terminal cancer, our relationship was easy.  

So, one night, in the midst of a pity party I was throwing myself and I had an "aha" moment.  

{come back tomorrow for Part 3}

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