Sunday, June 17, 2012

Some days, I'm still sad.

Most of the time I am happy.  Really happy.  There have been so many moments lately that I've just looked around and smiled at the way life has been this past year.  There are so many words of praise and thanksgiving in my journal for the things God has done in my life.

But then there are moments like now...moments where my heart is so sad and the "missing him" is so strong that I can't get it out of my mind.

And since this blog is a place of journey, where I have shared with you the happiness, the sadness, the frustration, the triumph of these past few years, I will write through this particular spell of sadness.

I don't even know really what caused this.  It's Father's Day.  I remember the first holiday after Isaac died, Mother's Day, when I cried and cried.  I've been through so many holidays that would seemingly be "the hard ones", and yet - Father's Day and Mother's Day have reduced me to tears.  Perhaps it's in someway the mourning of losing something I'll never have with Isaac.  Perhaps it's just the loneliness that comes when you are at the age where all of your friends are new fathers or grandfathers, and you hear the celebrations and special surprises they're having - and you go home to an empty house and a picture frame of a man you never even had the chance to get a cheesy "Happy Father's Day from the cats" card for.

I guess I just have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to still be sad.  844 days have passed since Isaac died.  I've probably felt 844 different emotions in that time, and I find that sadness is the first emotion I push aside and try to replace with something "better".  But sometimes, I have to stop and just allow myself to feel that sadness.

I share this because, if you know me "in real life", you don't often get to see or hear this part of me - and I don't want my laughter or my smiles or my wisecracks to make anyone think that there aren't still really hard days.  But, with each day, I am stronger and happier.  Life really is good, and more importantly - God is good.


1 comment:

  1. Yes Jess, these days will stay around for a long time. We are praying for you. My one aunt always told me that our lives are like a kettle and every kettle needs a lid. Your lid is still out there and in time you will be complete. I would always go back at her and say, "Yea that may be true, but how will the essence of this life be enjoyed by others if I put a lid on it". She would laugh and give me a smack. In His time dear daughter, in His time. Love to you, Dad Smith