Thursday, May 23, 2013

Lessons in Craving

It was Sunday evening.

I had run a little over 4 miles earlier in that day.  I'd prepped my salads for the week, sides of sliced fruit, grilled chicken breast, and stuffed peppers.  I had attended a graduation party where I had a slice of cake that I'd planned for in my calories. I ate a healthy dinner (grilled chicken, roasted veggies, and goat cheese tossed together).

In short - I had been in control all day.

But somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30 I lost it.  I had been struggling a little for the previous few weeks to maintain my focus.  Most days I was fine, but I was always reaching for "treats" too frequently and feeling frustrated.  Well, it all unraveled Sunday night with a half a bag of chocolate chips, 4 Unreal peanut butter cups, 1/2 of a bar of sea salt dark chocolate.

I stood in front of my pantry searching - What can I eat?? The reality was, I wasn't craving anything in particular.  If I was, I would've just eaten that thing and gotten over it.

I just felt like my stomach was a pit and no matter how much junk I was eating, it wasn't satisfying me.

I made myself a cup of tea hoping that would help.  It didn't.  I chewed gum.  Still - all I wanted to do was eat.

Finally, I just started crying.  Why - why after all of this time, after 80+ pounds lost, after I feel like I've changed so much - WHY AM I STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOOD? Will I never, ever win this battle completely?

Then it hit me - the front of the book Made to Crave - the book I always tell people about when they ask how I did it - the front of the book says:

No wonder I couldn't satisfy my hunger.  I wasn't physically hungry - but I was spiritually starving.

It had been weeks, maybe even months, since I'd last sat and had real, quality quiet devotional time with God.  It had been a long time since I'd earnestly sought Him in prayer, since I'd listened for His voice, since I'd walked with Him in this.

So, standing in front of my pantry - a belly full of chocolate, wondering what I could eat to satisfy me...I could've stared all day.  Nothing in that pantry was going to fill the emptiness I felt.  

I cried out to God.  I confessed that I'd taken Him out of the picture...that I thought I could do it on my own.  I searched Scripture to remind me of His Truth.  I got myself a big mug of Stomach Ease tea, and finally felt satisfied.  It wasn't food I needed.  It was God.  He is so faithful - and the moment I reached out to Him, He was there for me.  He'd been there all along.

"This is not who I am - nor who I was created to be.  Goodbye to my shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I'll never find victory in this area of my life.  I am made for more than this constant battle."
(Made to Crave 60-Day Devotional)

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